Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank by Erma Bombeck

Author:Erma Bombeck [Bombeck, Erma]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-4532-9006-4
Publisher: Open Road Media
Published: 2012-11-29T01:02:00+00:00

CHAPTER SEVEN: It Comes with the Territory

Loneliness

NO ONE TALKED ABOUT it a lot, but everyone knew what it was.

It was the day you alphabetized your spices on the spice rack.

Then you dressed all the naked dolls in the house and arranged them on the bed according to size.

You talked to your plants and they fell asleep on you.

It was a condition, and it came with the territory.

I tried to explain it to my neighbor, Helen.

“I’m depressed, Helen,” I said, “and I think I know what it is. (Excuse me) ‘Lonnie! I see you sneaking out of the house with my mixer and I know what you are going to do with it. Put it back!’”

“More coffee?” asked Helen.

“Just a half a cup. I’ve seen this coming for a long time. The symptoms are all there.”

“What symptoms?” asked Helen.

“Helen, I’m so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.”

“You’re kidding.”

“No. And the other day I flushed a Twinkie down the toilet just to please Jack Lalanne. (Just a minute) ‘Is anyone going to get the phone? Never mind. Hello. Yes. What do you want? I’m in therapy with Helen. You’ll be home late and don’t wait dinner. Right.’ Now, where was I, Helen? Oh yes, my behavior. It’s bizarre. Remember when a man came out to clean the septic tank? I dropped everything, ran out, and sat on the edge of the hole and asked, ‘So, what’s new with you?’”

Helen nodded silently.

“I called my mother long distance the other day just to tell her I found a green stamp in my sweeper bag.”

Helen stirred her coffee slowly. “Did you ever put up your hair to answer the door?”

“Yes. Oh yes,” I said with relief. “Excuse me, Helen, someone’s at the door. (Later) It was Joan. She just dropped off her two and she’ll be back for lunch. Where was I? Oh yes, my problem. I find myself doing odd things I’ve never done before. Remember when Dr. Joyce Brothers was on a local talk show and they invited questions from the audience? I called in, Helen. I really did. And I announced to the entire English-speaking world that I wanted her psychological opinion of a man who insisted on sleeping next to the wall. Did I ever tell you that, Helen? Bill refuses to sleep on the outside of a bed. He’s positively paranoid about the inside track. Didn’t it ever occur to him that just once I might like to sleep next to the wall?”

“Your phone is ringing again,” said Helen.

“It was the school nurse. Wanted permission to give my son an aspirin. What he really needs is an enema. I wonder how many people are wandering the streets today in glasses who only need an enema. More coffee?”

“No, I can’t stay long,” said Helen.

“I’ve thought about my problem ever since we moved out here and I think I’ve finally put my finger on it. Every morning, we see the men driving out of paradise onto the freeway and into the city.

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